I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My vagina just recognized that song.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
