I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
