Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
