how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
