Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
