so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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