I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
