It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
