btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
