I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
