i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
