Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
