Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
