A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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