I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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