this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
