Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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