from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
