I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's like heaven, but drunker
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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