Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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