We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
