We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Best friends brother. Beat that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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