Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Come on in and take your pants off
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