Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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