Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
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She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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