note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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