you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
