It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
