so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize