Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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