God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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