im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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