she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
