Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
