Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
