Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
