Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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