I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
