remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
