Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
