Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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