I accidentally had phone sex last night
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
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