I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
