Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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