what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
