cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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