A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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