I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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