All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
