did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
