You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
