i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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