Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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