'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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