the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
