I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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