Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
