Swine flu. Run for my life!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
